'Tis the Season to Get Married

Wedding bells chiming here and there, and I'm going to miss them all T_T

The last time I've been to a wedding was super long time ago. It was my cousin, HJ's wedding at BM back in ???? (gosh, I can't even remember!). There were 2 more weddings in the family while I was studying abroad; my youngest uncle decided to settle down finally in his late 30s (after being laughed at for getting ang pao for so many years), and then my other cousin, HM also decided to tie the knot with her fellow colleague doctor bf who is 12 years her senior. Along the way, friends' sisters got married, some of them also naik pangkat jadi Aunty already.

This year, there are 3 weddings. Childhood friend/neighbor LKS, cousin HKS, and college mate Z will naik pangkat jadi isteri orang right before the end of 2007. FYI, the average age of these 3 gals is 24 ler!!! I think it's definitely a blessing to be able to find THE ONE so early on in life, people like me can only sing with envy "我沒那種命呀,輪也不輪到我..."

Kesian my father who must be wondering when he can marry off this troublesome daughter...I imagine there must be some kind of peer pressure also when he sees everyone becoming ah gong ah ma.

I am hoping the latest by my 3oth birthday la, ok?

Lastly, best wishes to all the married and soon-to-be married couples. May y'all live happily ever after and make beautiful babies =)

Here is a sweet sweet song dedicated to L-O-V-E:

不测风云之 Black Friday

4，5点的时候，办公室冷冷清清地。周末来临前，很多员工都提早放工庆祝去了，这是很平常的情景，公司也从来没有介意过。但是，今天的气氛有一种说不出的诡异。殊不知这就是所谓风暴来临之前的平静。

出事的时候，我还在一边听Hito Radio，一边搞着excel spreadsheet，直到隔壁桌的同事突然神情紧张地打搅我，我才拿下耳机，迟钝地问：“What's going on?”

“Did anyone call you?”

“No. Why?”

“A bunch of people just got fired at building 12. ”

“Really?!”

其实，最近一直有谣言说公司因为周转不灵而被逼取消好几个企划。后知后觉的我这时才察觉到周围的人都在交头接耳，神情凝重地讨论着什么重大事件。我默默衡量一下自己被裁员的可能性；虽然不是什么展头露角的明星员工，但我一直都在老老实实地努力着，如果这样也被干掉，真的没话说。或许是命中注定。几个月前在69算过塔罗牌，预言说我会转行去做和现在完全不一样的工作，难道这就是预言中的转捩点？（想到这边，心里反而有点好奇）

片刻，整个部门被召去开紧急会议。

“I am sure you have heard what's going on in the company. But I want you to hear it directly from me, so you can be relieved. We are very ambitious, and we have been expanding very fast, we prepare ourselves to perform at A quadruple. This quarter, we did pretty well, we got an A, which is very good, but we are equipped to perform A quadruple, so we have to adapt to the environment, and adjust the capacity of the company so we are not ahead of ourselves...I am optimistic about this measure, I know it is unpleasant, that's why we are going to do it one time only...there is going be a company meeting on Monday to discuss about regrouping......"

（以上致词全凭记忆拼凑）

在场的人没有一个敢发言，大家都很专注地听着，深怕下一句会提到自己的名字。还好在场的人都没有事。就算如此，办公室的气氛还是陷于一种愁云惨雾之中，感觉像学校枪杀案事后的现场，有人不幸被乱枪打中牺牲了，侥幸存活的人则抱在一团痛哭。

直到上巴士的时候，听见四面八方的对话，才慢慢体验到裁员事件的真实性。

“听说有一个人刚加入公司还没两个礼拜也被裁员了！他差不多要签租约了，收到消息后急忙打电话去取消。”

“另一个人就倒霉了，听说他刚刚贷款买车子啊。”

“非常时期啊，我看还是把钱存起来比较好。”

和我同期加入公司的两位朋友都被裁员了，正是前几天问我要不要提早下班的那两位。突然想起我还开玩笑骂他们是slackers，结果都中招了，单单他们部门就干掉了二十几位。可能因为他们部门的营运直接跟销售量有关系，所以首当其冲。

我虽然避过这一劫，却还是受到了打击。没想到出来工作没多久，就遇上这样巨大的人事变动。常听人家说经济不景气，我现在终于知道

经济真的很不景气啊！

总之，花无百日红，人无千日好，有钱要收好，没钱得吃草。我应该开始准备一个长远之计以应付他日之不测风云啰。

(Picture taken from "Wojtek's Photoblog")

Snow Storm

3.45pm - got an instant msg from my friends at the other building.

"u leaving early today?"

"nope? why?"

"half of our dept. gone already."

"slackers!"

"ppl are worried there might be no train later because of the snow storm. "

"really? what are the chances?"

"100%...nope, more like 31489073498572%"

"haha, ic ic..."

(I quickly called the LIRR's hotline)

"hello, are the trains leaving from PW going to be affected by the snow storm?"

"all trains are close to schedule."

"er...what does that means???"

"there is no problem reported so far."

"ooo...thanks."

(back to the instant msg conversation)

"hey yo, LIRR says there is no problem with the trains..."

"so you are not leaving?"

"yeah, not sure good info or not, but I will take my chances."

(after a while)

":( the cab company is not taking any more calls for cab, we need a carrr!!!"

Moral of the story:
Early slackers get the cab - always call the cab first thing when you plan to cabut from work.

By the way, mom was discharged from the hospital on Monday. She sounded surprisingly energized on the phone. She is still suffering from some side effects though (minor memory lapse and buzzing in the ears). We are hoping with the proper treatment, lots of rest, and warm family love, she will get better soon.

Muchos gracias to family and friends for your care and support throughout.

For Your Horniness

A drastic change in mood, oh well...simply for the laugh of it!

Get Well Soon

Ma has been talking about coming to NYC for Christmas. She always talks about things, but never actually get around to do them. For example, her desire to retire early; she got the paperwork long time ago, but never ever submit them, and still, she keeps on saying "I am going to retire early, I am going to retire early."

I encourage ma's idea to come visit (but never take it quite seriously). It makes sense that both ma and ba should take the advantage of the free accommodation and tour guide I can offer. It might be a little hard juggling between working and being a host, but anything for the family, right? Ma was pretty excited about the trip, as we talk and talk for weeks, but again, no action. I almost thought this is another plan flushing down the toilet, until about 2 weeks ago, mom finally announced that she has booked her flight to New York.

I definitely inherited the gene of procrastination from ma. The reality of her coming didn't quite sink in until a few days ago, when I had a jolting realization that I am supposed to pick ma up next Sunday, 6am at JFK, and I haven't started planning the itinerary yet! Even worse, I was down with a cold during the weekend, and couldn't do much (excuse je for lazy ppl). But I was determined to get better and do my research this week, during work and after work. With my high level of efficiency, it shouldn't take me too long.

From my life experience thus far, the deciding factors can never run away from these 3: time, cost, quality. Best case scenario, you get 2 of the 3, worst case scenario, you get 0. The difficult part lies in deciding which one to sacrifice/compromise. As you know, we humans are greedy, who doesn't want something "pan gee (cheap)" and "tua tei (big)"? Still, I was ready to sacrifice the $$ (again, anything for the family) as long as ma is happily satisfied.

I have a brilliant idea for a weekend getaway to Washington DC, spending a night at a guest house with jacuzzi. If ma knows about the price, she sure will complain, "Aiya, why simply spend money? Cincai tio ho..." But I know she is going enjoy the treat.

Keeping this in mind, I called home this morning.

"Ma is sick, the trip is canceled. Sorry ah, never call you earlier..." dad sounded exhausted at the other end of the phone.

And the stupid trains keep passing now and then, disturbing the stupid signals...

"What's going on? Is she ok?"

"She is in the hospital now, but don't worry she will be fine..."

"What's wrong?"

"Some sort of virus infection..bzzz...bzzz..."

"Hello, what virus you say?"

"We also don't know, still waiting for report to come out...bzzz...bzzz...but doctor advised against traveling long distance..."

"Ok, ok..."

"Have to go now, talk to you later. Don't worry, don't worry..."

Aiyo my mother ah, my head is in the kabus now. Please get well soon!!!

烂掉

2天没有洗澡。

睡了将近16个小时。

24小时没有离开过家门半步。身上还穿着同一件睡衣。

外边零下5度，却没有下雪。

室内的空气弥漫着食物、垃圾、脏袜子等气味，还有无数肉眼看不到的灰尘和细菌。

乱糟糟的被窝里，1个人，蜷缩成一团，身体不由自主地因为咳嗽而抽动。

头发散乱，眼神呆滞，没有意识地，慢慢地

烂掉。

The Wonder of Online Shopping

One thing that I absolutely like about living in US is being able to shop online. My first online shopping experience was in Freshman year. After kena sucked blood by the university's bookstore during the 1st sem, I finally found out the smart way to get textbooks is to buy online. Eureka!!! Everything is just one-click away.

Off course, I was skeptical at first. What if I kena conned by the seller? What if my credit info kena stolen? What if the package got lost/damaged in transit?

Books - nothing much can really go wrong with these, other than getting the wrong editions, or those in terrible conditions. Gotta be careful when you are getting the international versions; first, for science/math/engineering related books, make sure the units are correct (English not metric); second, there are good quality ones, most probably imported from sg or msia, or "pangsai-chua" quality ones, most probably from china or india, and they usually cost the same. I once got a "pangsai-chua" version which was pretty bad. The papers were thin, and the ink got onto my fingers. I think my butt deserves better.

CDs - used to buy LeeHom's album from yesasia.com. The price isn't cheap after converting, but it's going to cost the same if I were to shipped it from msia. Ebay is also a cool site to find asian entertainment merchandise. My only issue is I can't really trust individual seller.

Tech Gadgets - definitely get these online. You won't believe how many good deals you can find out there in the cyber world. dealsea.com, techbargains.com and slickdeals.net are the 3 main ones that I always visit. These are sites that post offers available at different companies. Gotta have some self control though, you could easily buy a lot of craps that you don't really need.

Clothing - kena burnt with these. It's hard to estimate size, which varies so much with the cutting and design. friends were laughing at my geekiness when they found out that I actually shop for clothes online. Well...I did have pretty valid reasons - some discounts are valid online only, and I hated shopping at the mall because of the crowd. Unfortunately, the discount wasn't worth it at all when I had to make the trip to the mall to return the clothings that didn't fit.

Shoes - really got into shopping shoes online recently. Got a pair of Born shoes a year ago, and loved it. My current favorite site is shoebuy.com, simply because it offers good discounts. Another plus point is its free shipping (including returns); there was once when I had to make 3 returns because I kept on getting the wrong size (a flaw with online shopping), and I didn't have to pay a nickel. Just ordered 2 pair of shoes recently, and I am hoping they turn out right. Well, I guess this is just part of the excitement you get from online shopping, kind of like gambling on your own judgment.

Love at First Hearing

One of those rare times when I fall in love with a song the first time I hear it.

《缓慢》

一双铁翅膀　送我到这地方　天快亮　舍不得这机场
缓慢的游荡　在拥挤的机场　风一样

多少萤光屏　总是闪烁不定　天与地　在中间它来临
缓慢的飞机　有否我期待的　一个你

忘记你说你会继续　还是要结束　分开时只管哭　我是否太迷糊　你是否仍在乎
等的太久不想继续　也不愿结束　分开时我走出　最遥远的旅途　最缓慢的脚步

一杯热咖啡　抵不住我的泪　他是谁　在拥抱的是谁
缓慢的流泪　我没有太伤悲　我以为

A Hard Day's Night

A Hard Day`s Night

(Lennon/McCartney)

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel alright.

You know I work all day
To get you money to buy you things
And it's worth it just to hear you say
You're going to give me ev'rything
So why on earth should I moan
'Cause when I get you alone
You know I feel ok

When I'm home ev'rything seems to be right
When I'm home feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeh

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel alright.

Owww!

So why on earth should I moan
'cause when I get you alone
You know I feel ok

When I'm home ev'rything seems to be right
When I'm home feeling you holding me tight, tight, yeh

It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log
But when I get home to you
I find the things that you do
Will make me feel alright.

You know I feel alright
You know I feel alright

**********
Yeah, I've been working like a dog,
but I get home everyday to 4 bare walls and a noisy radiator,
no wonder I'm not feeling alright.
**********

From the Office

Struggled to wake up and get ready for work. Unavoidable daily internal battle.

7.10am - alarm rings...snooze...

7.25am - alarm rings...snooze...

7.35am - alarm rings...about time to wake up...3 more minutes please, snooze...

7.38am - wake up...panicked...settle bathroom business

7.50am - leave home to catch the subway...

8.07am - transit to the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR)...doze off...

8.50am - reach final stop...get on company shuttle...doze off again...

9.00am - reach office...start work!

Felt kind of sick yesterday, not sick enough to skip work, but I wanted to skip work so badly...the angel won over the devil...I ended up going to work feeling miserably =(

So is life. As I wallowed in my misery, I couldn't help tempting myself with the idea to tapao and go back home.

Thank you ma for calling me last night, and gave me your timeless remedy for cold--gurgle with salt water, and drink warm honey water with lime. Felt much better. One can always count on family love.

Damn the weather. 45 deg F in New York...around 6-7 deg C (finally get used to converting from F to C--minus 32 and divide by 2). Heard it is snowing already somewhere in upstate New York. Heard it has been raining in Malaysia. Should be pretty cold in UK too. Di and Mei are sick. Poor ma, must have been calling around to make sure each of us know how to take care of ourselves.

Feeling pretty good now, hence this blog entry. To all you " You Zi" out there, take care. If you are sick, do remember to try out the honey+lime and salt water.

赶飞机记

绵绵细雨，来来往往的车辆，rush hour的交通让人有种莫名的烦躁。不耐烦的司机们在红灯转青的刹那狂按鸣笛，抗议着前面车子半秒钟的怠慢。我左手撑着伞，右手摆动着试图招德士，却没有愿意停下来的。离登机时间还有一小时，不敢去想像赶不上飞机的后果，于是更专心去追寻那黄色车身。

自找的！都是自找的!明明可以舒舒服服在家里度过一个平静的Friday night，偏偏得急急忙忙地从办公室赶回家拎行李，然后在这该死的雨中截德士，心脏还紧张得叮呤咚咙地跳着。公司本来安排我星期一早上去芝加哥做建筑实地考察，当天去当天回；我为了私人的理由，要求公司让我提早过去。这个要求今天早上才被答应，所以落得如斯狼狈的情境。

哀。是犯贱。抱怨着、诅咒着、迫不及待想去他身边。

雨有变本加厉的迹象。几乎放弃的当儿，一辆黑色sedan俐落地转进我前面的空位。有救了（虽然是比yellow taxi更高级一点的town car，但是beggar cannot be chooser）。

“La Guardia Airport！”感动得差点想告诉司机他是我的救命恩人。

“该死的天气。每次下雨，交通就糟糕到不行。”

“对啊，对啊。最近天气都很差……”

随便哈啦个几句，心才渐渐定下来。司机的驾驶技术简直没话说。我没有表明要他赶，但他或许也了，去机场的十个有九个都是在赶的。又不是kancil，偌大的车子却还能利落地穿梭于车龙之间的缝隙，简直是一绝。我能够赶上飞机的希望也随着车子的一前一停在起起落落。同时间，头脑已在策划着到达机场后的action plan：一下车便冲到self-service kiosk拿登机证，security check那边如果排长龙的话，就得拜托别人让我插队，啊，该用什么样的台词呢……或许可以赶得及，我紧紧地握着手里的车钱和身份证，努力地祈祷着。

奇迹似的我终于到达飞机场，奇迹似的车钱比预想中的更便宜。好好打赏司机之后，照着脑子里演习的画面，我一打开车门便冲！感谢check in程序都机械化了，才得以避开人龙。我努力地保持头脑清醒，快速又小心翼翼地用按键输入个人资料，终于画面显示：

Yee Heng

UA 693 LGA – ORD 7:00PM Flight Status: Delayed

旁边有人低声地诅咒着：“Damn!”我则深深地呼了一口气，暗自庆幸，还真的从来没有因为飞机被delay而这样开心过。我踩着轻松的脚步朝security check走去，心里想着最近有否做过了什么善事，得以上天如斯的眷顾。

关于爱

“我是不是你最亲近的人？”

我屈指一算，“你还得排在10名之外。”

“怎么可能？！”你不服气。

“你看，有爸爸、妈妈、弟弟、妹妹……”

“家人不算。”

“还有从小到现在的好朋友，大学时候的好朋友……”

“原来我还不如她们……”你难掩失落。

“难道我是你最亲近的人吗？比你那些交往好几年的好朋友更亲近?”

“是的。”你用一种近乎悲哀的语气承认着。

如此直接毫无掩饰的答案让我刹那间不知所措。

“其实，如果从另一个角度来看的话，譬如男女之间的关系，当然没有别人可以比你更亲近……”我极力地想让你好过一点，嘴里说出的每一字每一句听起来却做作得可以。

我开始更相信我们快要结束了。

有一种天生的缺陷让我无法坦诚去面对爱。每次一有想你的念头，就会用千万个理由来说服自己你根本不值得。每次发现自己一步一步向你靠近，就会费尽全力地把自己停住然后后退。我害怕的是什么？我想要的是什么？

“你还爱我，对不对？”

“……”

“你是爱我的，对不对？”

对你的爱，折磨着我的爱，从来说不出口的爱，化成眼泪潸潸而落，你在电话的那一头，却听不见。

Back in US

It's my 4th day in Queens, NY.

Day 1-->surfed the internet looking for potential future home; slept

Day 2-->spent the whole morning chatting to ah mong; went apt hunting at Woodside; shopped for groceries

Day 3--> did more apt hunting at Flushing, the Chinatown in Queens; saw a place that I like, quiet neighborhood, close to the train station, surrounded by lots of Koreans; ate asam laksa at Sentosa, a Malaysian restaurant in the area, one of the good ones I tasted in US so far; did more groceries shopping; bought some Peking duck for supper :)

Chinese medicine counter

Chinese supermarket

Chinese bank

Ad board
(Note: they don't even bother to translate to English, too bad for Bananas)

Peking duck for supper

Flushing is simply amazing. How can you even imagine that you are in US?

What do you fear most? (2)

B的回答是：To settle down.

B 23岁的姐姐即将嫁为人妇，过着routine的家居生活，他为自己也可能跟随姐姐的脚步而感到有点恐惧。是不是有一天也会过着像他父母一样的生活；每天日出而作，日落而息，每周末去同样的餐厅吃饭，每晚在家准时追看电视剧……生活变得单调无趣，哪里都不想去，什么都不想试，一切变得很predictable。好熟悉的情景！B所形容的岂不是我爸妈现在的生活模式？

每个人都年轻过，每个人都有梦。我爸爸年轻时在志愿栏填上了科学家，而我妈妈则立志要当护士。结果两人却因为某些现实的因素而成为了老师。爸妈循规蹈矩地教了二十多年的书，经历了大大小小所谓的教育改革，教过的学生数以千计，也可以算是桃李满天下了。所谓“教师是人类灵魂的工程师”，教师这个行业是值得敬佩和推崇的。我在美国读书的时候，遇见好些壮志勃勃的年轻人，他们一心一意想投身教育界，用他们的力量去改善社会，创造美好明天。感性的我忍不住被他们的热情和围大抱负感动。可是，现实的我又不禁怀疑他们的热情可以维持多久？凭着一股热情，明天真的会更好吗？我不懂得爸妈投身教育界时是否也怀着一样的理想抱负，只知道今天的他们已经把教书视为“职业”而非“志愿”。同时，我国的教育制度改了又改，也不见得有很多的改善。每每新官上任便推行新的目标，新的计划；旧的还没来得及见效，便又换了新的政策，让老师、学生适应得措手不及。而我们活在更美好的社会了吗？我们年轻人的前途更光明了吗？我们的未来更有保障了吗？

我是读工程系的。工程系不是我的首选，选择工程系一半是为了满足父母的期望，一半是为了难以抗拒的奖学金。我或许是块读书的材料，却未能全心全意地享受读书，因为读书已变成了一种“职业”。我的未来或许逃不过这样的模式：我将花费6年在政府部门服务，接着到私人界另谋高就，找个好男人结婚生子，然后安安分分地渡过余生。曾经听说：God creates you with a purpose. 换句话说，每个人到这个世界上都有他自己的使命和存在价值。对于我，一个还没有找到使命的人，这句话只能充当安慰。生活里大大小小的抉择都可能变成人生的转捩点，该前进后退，抑或左转右转，有谁可以正确地知道该走哪条路呢？有谁可以担保走错了还可以回头？

What do you fear most?

从旧日记里挖到的2004年未发表之作，在此和大家分享分享。

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What do you fear most?

曾经在某活动里和朋友们探讨过“What do you fear most?” 这个问题。

A的回答是：The lost of my love ones.

我无法不赞同。生离还是死别，失去至爱，谁能不痛？我一直以为自己可以坦然地面对死亡。自懂事以来，经历过外公、姨丈、曾祖父和祖母的死亡。哀悼期间确实很伤心，但泪流过，心痛过，没过一阵，有人死掉的事实便被丢到脑后了，然后日子又一往如故。死了的人仿佛不曾存在，关于他们的记忆也很少浮现。直到这一次话匣子打开之后，才惊觉对于爱护过我的人，我竟然什么记录都没有。以为已经麻木了，这一想起来，心却莫名地疼痛，泪腺也不由自主地失控。或许这就是为何身体的系统会主动block掉某些记忆，因为留住它们实在太伤身和伤神了。

关于外公的记忆

我的阿公在生时身体不是很好，每逢星期日都会到SP的政府医院复诊，然后顺道到我家看我们。我很期待我阿公到我家，因为他总是像一个圣诞老人一样会带礼物给我们；也不是什么昂贵的东西，不过是在我家街角的杂货店里买的SUGUS、气球和TORA(如果你还记得的话，这一盒巧克力饼有附送小塑胶玩具)，却足以让我和弟妹们高兴一整天。对于外公还有一个特别的回忆。有一次我在弹《橄榄树》，阿公竟跟着旋律哼起来。我很意外阿公竟然懂得这首歌（当然，当时的我对于这首歌的认知是多么地肤浅）。后来才发觉《橄榄树》是三毛飘泊海外时为抒发思想情怀而写的，也才了解从中国离乡背井到马来西亚的阿公，为什么会对这首歌情有独钟。有点恨阿公死得太早；他死的时候，我还不全然懂事，否则，我一定会好好地把握机会去听听他的故事。

关于祖母的记忆

想起我的阿嬷，就会想起他的潮州话、慈祥的笑容和他在花园里劳动的背影。阿嬷在槟城和伯伯同居，偶尔才会到我家来小住几天。我很喜欢阿嬷到我家来；有他在，我们有得吃好的，家里的花园也会变得很可爱。唯一美中不足的是，我阿嬷是个相当难搞的人；他很爱唠叨，每件事情都坚持要照他的方式去做。让我印象最深刻的是阿嬷如何向我坚持底裤不可以分三份折，而要对半折才正确。我的阿嬷是因为中风而去世的。他临死时已陷入昏迷状况，必须靠机器维持生命。因为在外地求学，我完全错过他人生最后的那段时期 （这让我一直遗憾到今天）。阿嬷昏迷后一直都没有好转的迹象，后来医生也建议拆除机器让他好好地走。我在SJ接到通知时，完全不懂得如何反应。我对于阿嬷的记忆依旧停留在几个月前活生生、有说有笑的他，我该如何接受他的生命将在闭上一颗按钮之后就不复存在？我对着挂断的电话哭了很久。关于死亡的过程，我后来才从家人口中得知。其实也不敢问太多，尤其是对我爸爸，我可以想象亲眼看见自己的母亲死去的经验是多么地痛苦。或许我应该感到庆幸，因为阿嬷留给我的最后记忆是新年时一家团聚的画面，那是一个美好的回忆。

类似总结的总结

我害怕死亡不是因为不知道死亡过后的未知数，而是因为知道死亡便是所有未知数的终结。所有可能发生的，已经没有机会发生，也因此造成遗憾。可是，人是善忘的，在写着这篇文章的同时，眼泪已流干了，心情也平复了。再过一会儿，我便会恢复故我，死亡将再次被遗忘，遗憾还会继续存在，而这一切的有感而发也只能安静地躺在日记里，待日后重温。

爱情的序幕

1. 如果找到比我更好的人，只要提早给通知，我就会心甘情愿地放人。
2. 不必花费心思或改变自己来讨好我。
3. 不准用Dear/Darling/Honey等昵称叫我。
4. No expectation--不要求对方，也不期望任何回报。
5. 分手后还是朋友。谁都不准记恨，也不刻意逃避对方。

达成了以上五大协议后，阿懵和阿傻正式拉开爱情的序幕。

终于毕业了

四年的象牙塔生活，有喜乐，有愤怒，有哀愁，有悲伤。

我日日夜夜地期盼着脱离学生生涯的那一天；这一天终于来临的时候，心里头却掺杂着离别的忧伤和不舍，以及对未来的期待和惶恐。

看见镜子里穿着紫色大袍，顶着一幅四方帽的自己，觉得像做了一场梦。

依稀可见高中时那愤世嫉俗、唯我独尊的骄傲，却明显收敛很多，反而多了几分的圆滑和匠气。为了生存，也不尽然是坏事。已经减少横冲直撞，破釜沉舟的举动了。变得比较怕死，变得很会闪，变得天下大事都不关我的事。我就是这样安分守己地，风平浪静地完成了我的学业（大致上是这样，偶而才会有一两个例外的case）。

今天的结果是十年前的我或任何一个人根本想象不到的。我已经离原来的路太远太远，就算绕道可以回得去，也已经不值得了。所以只能沿路探索下去，希望会有意想不到的惊喜。

同时，想借此机会向这些年来对我不离不弃的家人和好朋友们至上万二分的谢意。虽然很陈腔滥调，还是要对你们说：

没有你们，哪有今天的我？

所以，谢谢，谢谢，谢谢。

Finalized for now

Finally, I have something to tell about my future:

I will be working with Steve and Barry's, located at Long Island, NY, starting July 2007. Funny how things work out, doesn't it?

I am currently waiting for my OPT to be approved. Depending on my luck, I might or might not be able to go home after graduation. I can only hope for the best (finger crossed!). I have been missing in action for almost 2 years, god knows how many hot juicy events and gossips I have missed.

Just in case I couldn't make it back home again this year, I want you to know that I really miss you guys. So, you guys'd better be missing me too :)

彻夜听他倾谈

他毫无理由地闯过来了，在属于我享受私人空间的星期五晚上。是有点厌烦，却狠不下心把他打发掉。

他是一个不识趣，但很有趣的人。本着“初生之犊不怕虎” 的精神，，总是横冲直撞地，却叫人生气不下。

他真得很年轻，比我弟弟还要年轻。我从来没有想过可以和这样年轻的人打交道（老人毛病又犯了）。

可是，却喜欢听他讲话，虽然因为牙齿结构的关系，讲话有点口齿不清（偶尔还会喷口水），但他有很生动的肢体语言和很好的故事。喜欢听他侃侃而谈他的疑惑、爱好、理想；他满足了我对他那种年纪的男生的好奇心。因为在外地读书而错过了弟弟部分的成长过程。对于弟弟的转变--从一个听话的小跟班变成爱顶嘴的少男儿，从可以跟我打打闹闹、互相赏巴掌变成酷到不行、连一句话也不愿多说--我懊恼过，无法适从过。可是现在，我大概可以了解弟弟当时是什么样的心态。

他从一所相当有名的男校毕业，是个童子军兼学长兼体操选手。他告诉我一群男孩子在一起的时候可以有多么地疯狂。当“试用学长”期间，如何遭遇前辈的严苛对待；必须熟读校史、校训以应对前辈随时的考验，对前辈的命令要维诺是从，被体罚时要甘愿接受。试用期的高潮接受过 frustration 、humiliation 、demolition 的洗礼--试过穿着紧身衣和紧身裤，在 bangsar 一边唱小叮当的主题曲一边跑步；也试过到 sushi king 店里当着众人大声喊说 “I love genki sushi” 。

他是个会弹吉他的男孩。喜欢看他修长的手指充满自信地游刃在吉他弦上；是非常漂亮、有线条、充满力道的手指。他还会作曲。第一次听他自弹自唱他自己的歌时，不禁对他刮目相看。直率的音乐显露他直率的性格，是个“wears his heart on his sleeves”的男孩。虽然声音不怎么样，但胜在诚意十足。我坦白告诉他：“把这招用在女孩子身上，要她们不心动，很难。”

本来打算应酬他个一、二小时，可是那小子竟然有本事让我找不到顿点打岔。就这样听他谈谈唱唱到天亮，也不尽然没有睡意，两人却很有默契地不想结束，因为很久没有这样痛快过。

活着，很累

放完假回来,很累。

所谓“休息是为了走更长远的路”的说法对于我这一次地旅行一点都不准确。

这次的旅行当中发生太多事情了，让我身为西北大学生最后一次的假期很“难忘”。

当初单纯地只想和即将分开的好朋友共度最后的假期，怎知半路杀出一大堆不关事的人出来搅和。

无端端让最烦的人参与了旅行团队、无端端被视为朋友的人放飞机、无端端发觉某某和某某的暧昧关系、无端端发觉有人睡觉打呼如同地震、无端端行李不见了整个星期、无端端地突然很想回家、无端端地想如果当初决定一个人跑到没有人认识的地方躲起来就好了。

开学一个星期了，要做的事情排山倒海而来。

很累，可是不肯认输的性情让我拼命地撑着，至少也要撑到毕业为止。

无论如何也要为我的大学生涯画上一个 Happy Ending 吧。

毕业过后的事情，虽然也一直在烦恼着，但心里却偷偷地在想：“如果可以放一次很长很长的假期就好了。”

会不会因为这样而潜意识里没有认真地去寻找工作呢？

It's easy to find a job. But it's hard to find a good job.

在某本“如何创造你的事业”类似的激励书里读到的。为了下个星期的面试而读的。

其实真的很讨厌。很讨厌穿着西装，提着皮夹、拿着履历表去“推销”自己。

很讨厌装着满腔的热诚去讨论完全不感兴趣的事情。

很讨厌去追求被大家认同的“成功”。

尽管如此，却也没有办法鼓起勇气去追求大家不认同的“成功”。

结果卡在这种不上不下的地方，乱折磨自己的。

活着，很累。

YC, why you so like that?!

There are some tension among my friends.

A talked bad about B behind B's back, B heard it from C, B and C thought A was annoying and unethical, B is now trying to avoid A, A still doesn't know that B knew A was badmouthing B behind B's back, C sides with both A and B......

Well, the conflicts can go on and on. Being a friend to A, B and C, the best I can do is to play blind, deaf and dumb. I am simply too lazy to be involved in the situation.

Come to think of it, I am never involved in any situation. I am always the neutral one. I always berdiri di atas pagar and watch people making fun about each other, complaining about each other, and stabbing each other back. I listen, I laugh along, and then I forget. This is my principle of survival.

I wonder if I was ever the topic of a conversation or a target to make fun of or the nemesis of someone's existence. Most probably there is no fun in talking about me anyway, because I am such a dull character, such a goody two shoes, such a people pleaser.

Honestly,

sometimes, I wish I can be like G cursing people I dislike with the most creative words I can coin (but I simply cannot curse);

sometimes, I wish I can be like W saying NO to people's face when I don't feel like doing something or even throwing things at the wall, not caring if they break or not when I feel angry (but I am simply not used to letting out my temper);

sometimes, I wish I can be like Y drinking myself to numbness, talking nonsense amidst my unconsciousness (or pretense of unconsciousness), flirting with someone or even confessing to someone I have a crush on (but I simply think too much of the consequences to be able to let loose like that).

Yet, despite what other people say about me...

X: YC, you are the most normal one lor. The other all bo ho seh already.

Y: YC, you damn cool la!

Z: YC, why you so good one, always help people do stuffs?



I am actually a COWARD in disguise.

豬年快樂!

“哈嘍。我是豬娣。新的一年裏，請大家都要像我一樣笑口常開哦！”

豬年到了，頭腦閃過幾種想法：

1. 今年是不是做個豬頭也可以很快樂呢？
2. 今年是不是可以釋無忌憚地吃可玩樂、偷懶睡覺呢？
   
3. 今年是不是可以胖得像豬一樣也沒關係呢？
4. （周傑倫式）哎喲！今年是豬年，明年不就是鼠年嗎？我豈不是……很老了？

Anyway, 豬年算是我生命中一個重要的轉折點。接下來幾年的何去何從，將取決於我這幾個月的努力和決定。

雖然有人說“世事沒有絕對”，但是也有人說“好的開始就是成功的一半”。

所以，現在的我，對於每一件事情有一點戰戰兢兢地，因爲怕會作出讓自己後悔的事情。

問題是：人算不如天算，計劃永遠趕不上變化。

所以有時候真得很想用一句“順其自然”消遣自己算了。就像豬一樣，對生命持有一種樂天知足的態度也蠻不錯的。

事實上，我必須承認我是個很怕面對挫敗的人。

可能是這個原因導致我沒能對每件事情投入100%。我應該沒有辦法接受吧，如果付出了100%還是得到一個桔……

不過，就這樣聽天由命的話，又會很不甘心。就像豬一樣，對於天生是豬而必須遵從被宰殺的命運，當中應該也有幾只很不忿氣的豬吧。

我真得很不願意做一只被人宰殺的豬。

如果你也和我一樣，請你和我一起加油吧。

讓我們在豬年裏做個爭氣的豬，就算有一些“豬性”是改不掉的，也盡量做到適可而止吧，爲了我們更美好的未來。

僅此祝福大家：豬年快樂！希望今年會是一個滿載而歸的一年。

浪漫不起来的雪花纷飞

上个星期 Evanston 下起了大雪，气温急速下降到零下18度摄氏左右。听说那是 Evanston 十几年来最冷的纪录。

雪应该是在夜里下的。只记得隔天早上一醒来，西北大学已经变成白茫茫的一片。

因为外面依然阳光普照，所以会造成一种天气并没有很冷的假象。事实上，天气是冷得可以让你的鼻毛一根根的站起来的。如果没有手套和围巾的话，脸和手也会冰到发麻。

其实，雪花纷飞是赏心悦目的。

如果不是因为功课繁忙到连睡觉的时间也不够而变得心烦气躁的话，我想，
我会安静地坐下来，好好地欣赏下雪的景色。

如果不是早上八点还要醒来去工作接着又要上课然后又要开会的话，我想，
我会放慢脚步，好好地体会下雪的感觉。

其实，雪花纷飞是浪漫动人的。

如果可以把手放到喜欢的人的口袋里然后默默地在口袋握着对方的手，我想，
就算再冷，我的心还是温暖的。

太可惜了，现在的我没有办法体会这一切。

然后这个礼拜，雪过天晴了。


纳闷。为什么我总没能在对的时候抓住对的感觉呢？

New York is a Filthy Place!

那天问起一位朋友为何毕业过后不留在美国工作。

“我还是比较喜欢大城市的生活。”

“美国也有大城市啊。纽约呢？”

“我讨厌那个地方。纽约是一个污秽的城市，不只是肮脏 (dirty) 哦，而是污秽 (filthy)。那个地方实在糟透了，是个一点人情味也没有的地方。 ”

*****

纽约是我中学时候梦寐以求的城市。那时受了刘轩和王力宏的影响，对于纽约充满向往，心想如果有一天可以到那边生活就好了。对于那时的我来说，纽约是一个闪闪发亮的城市，是一个可以让梦想成真的地方。有一首叫“New York New York” 的歌里就这么唱着：

If you can make it there (New York), you can make it anywhere......

中学的时候，纽约是一个多么遥远的梦想啊。时代广场、百老汇音乐剧、自由女神像、第五大道的名牌店、帝国大厦等等，都是好莱坞电影才会出现的景象。如果真的有一天，我也可以游走在那个城市里边，在很有气氛的咖啡厅里喝 cappuccino，在林肯中心听钢琴演奏，在百老汇歌厅里听音乐剧，在帝国大厦的顶楼观赏纽约夜景……如果真的有那么一天，那该有多棒啊。

所以我偷偷地定下了一个目标：我一定要在二十三岁之前到纽约去看看。

结果我在二十二岁的时候到过纽约两次了。

第一次看见自由女神像时，脑里闪过一种不可思议的觉悟：没想到梦想的这一天这么快到来了。那时候因为 911 事件刚发生没多久，所以戒备非常严谨。所有观光客都得经过搜身检查，而且还被限制在自由女神像十尺以外的范围活动而已。自从 911 后，总觉得美国陷进一种草木皆兵的状况。连每一天的新闻里都会有恐怖警报，用不同的颜色去标榜各个城市的安全度。也许只有真正经历过那种恐怖事情的人们才能了解吧，美国政府这些所谓的安全措施，对于我这种外人来说，却无非是一些没用的麻烦事而已。所以呢，那次的旅途是美中不足的，因为没能近距离地接触自由女神像。除此之外，因为时间和金钱的限制也没能看见百老汇音乐剧，或在有气氛的咖啡厅喝 cappuccino, 或走在第五大道的街上。

尽管这样，我的梦想也应该算是达成了吧。当初的愿望是要到纽约去看看，也没具体地设定要在那里做些什么。我想，当初的我虽然很认真地想去纽约，但心里多多少少还是质疑梦想成真的可能性吧。等到终于去过一趟纽约后，才发现梦想成真也不过是那么一回事。

该怎么形容呢，那种感觉？是一种失落吧，心里有着一种“接下来该怎么办呢”的想法。才在纽约逗留过短短三天的人竟然会有这种想法是有点夸张。不过那次以后，对于纽约的事不再有心动的感觉是千真万确的。

纽约没有让我失望，也没有让我如愿以偿，却让我了解到一些事实。

纽约是闪闪发亮的没错，是充满梦想的没错，可是并不是每个梦想都会在这里实现的。怀着梦想到这个城市里来的人很多，带着绝望离去的人也不少。不够出色、不够胆识、不够坚强的人是不行的。要在这个城市生存下去的话，首先一定要有办法征服它，否则最终也只能落得被吞噬的下场罢了。

至于朋友为什么会把纽约形容成一个污秽的地方呢，我想我大概可以了解他的想法。在这个适者生存的大环境里，人情味毕竟是一种奢侈的东西，对于外来人更是如此吧。

2007半年大计

已经好多年没有为自己设定new year resolution了。反正也是开空头支票，又何苦设下一大堆目标让自己难堪呢？

是不是因为这样，这几年的生活才会过得马马虎虎？感觉好像经历了很多事情，做了很多东西，却一点成就感也没有。具体上也说不出在哪一年发生过了哪些事。没有剪接过的记忆片段相互重叠着，形成一种杂乱无章的画面。这样的回忆，连我自己也不想面对。

2006年末，配合着meyy高涨的斗志，我决定再一次考验自己的意志，所以认真地想了几项要在2007前半年实现的目标。开设这一个部落格便是目标之一。本来想在第一篇文章里公布这些目标的，可是还是觉得留个退路比较好。果然还是做不到破釜沉舟的地步。不过，现在的我终于下定决心要把它们公布了。如果不这样做，我一定会再度败给性格上的软弱，让一切都不了了之的。而2007年也会像过去的每一年一样，在一种半梦半醒的状态中度过。

我的2007半年大计：

1. 一个星期运动至少三小时。必须在五月中旬达到体重为**公斤的目标。
2. 戒掉吃零食和夜宵的习惯。
3. 一天看戏不可以超过两小时。
4. 一个学期旷课不可以超过三次。
5. 毕业之前考获美国驾驶执照。
6. 开设部落格，维持每星期至少更新一次。

虽然看似很没有大志的计划，但是对于我来说却不是轻易可以做得到的事。

第1项：还在努力当中，目前可以做到一星期运动一小时半。
第2项：坚持了一个星期多后，为pringles而破戒了。
第3项：准备放弃了，因为那是绝对不可能的事。
第4项：还剩下两次机会。
第5项：暂时没有时间考车。
第6项：勉强办得到啦。

我也不晓得能不能凭自己的力量坚持到6月。不过，既然都决定了要做，就要做到最好吧。

当你脸臭臭的时候

我相信每个人都有心情不好的时候，而你心情不好的时候是一副什么样的嘴脸，你知道吗？

是一副吃到酸葡萄的表情？

是一副踩到狗屎的表情？

是一副被全世界欠钱的表情？

如果有机会的话，请在你心情不好的时候照照镜子，再想想必须面对你这副嘴脸的人们。

*****
最近的生活过得有点小心翼翼地，因为周围埋伏了很多地雷，不小心踩到了就要粉身碎骨。

当然，我也可以为所欲为地，懵懵懂懂地以自己的方式生活。

可是，我毕竟还是一个没有种的人。

因为我很害怕得罪，很害怕被讨厌，很害怕被莫名其妙从背后砍一刀。

所以，像一条狗一样，我本着一颗无知的心去取悦你。

如果你了解我的一番苦心，请你笑一笑吧。

终于开张

想要开一个部落格很久了，却迟迟未有行动。理由有很多，但是，所有的理由总结起来，终究也不过两个字--懒惰。今年把这件事情列入2007年的new year resolution之中，希望自己可以很有纪律地把这个部落格维持下去。

开设这个部落格主要是为了考验自己的写作能力。不求可以引起大家的共鸣，只求可以做到自娱娱人就好。虽然曾经以成为一名爬格子为奋斗目标，可是为了某些因素还是放弃了。不过，对于文字创作我还是有一点坚持的，尽管不知道坚持到最后会得到什么。或许这就是我求生的信念吧：为自己保留一个梦，一个在一念之间极可能实现的梦，一个让我觉得everything that I am doing now is building towards something greater的梦（孬意思，翻译功力有限）。这样子的话，就算现实生活中遇到了什么挫折，也会想办法熬过去的。

写部落格最担心的是在字里行间曝露了性格上的缺点。最衰的还是让不应该知道的人知道了不应该知道的事（怎么写起绕口令来了？！）。不过，这也是写部落格的好玩之处，不是吗？我这一颗球投出去了，完全无法预想接下来会发生什么事；是落了空？被人接住了？还是反弹回来往我脸上狠狠一击？所以，本着一股破釜沉舟的精神，我决定豁出去了。反正也没有什么输不起的。

好吧，就此宣布《一路走来》正式开张，恳请大家多多帮衬啦！